I have (officially) moved on.

I cut the cord today.  To say it was an umbilical cord wouldn't be completely accurate, but somehow it's still appropriate - it was the only thing feeding me the same information that tied me down and kept me in touch.  As soon as I clicked "Yes, please remove from my friends" everything disappeared.  Into thin air, virtually of course.  There's no going back.
The weight has fallen from me and dropped into the bottomless gorge below.  I could finally climb up and see what it was that I have been missing and breathe in the air the flowed so easily by me, through my hair, that it felt like I would fly off the top of the world if only I spread my arms out and allowed the wind to take me.
I am free.

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

I look at you and see all the love there that's sleeping.

Is there such a thing as coincidence?  I think not.  I believe in a lot of things: luck, ghosts, karma, love, etc... But coincidence just seems like a silly thing to believe in.

If you work hard for something and you get paid extra in the end, that's definitely not coincidence - that's reward.  If you bully someone in school and 10 years later, you find out you need their help and they don't feel inclined to give it - that's karma.  And if you got turned down from your dream of traveling to China because you didn't have enough money, but you found the love of your life instead - that's fate.

There is no such thing as coincidence.  Everything relates to everything else.  The Butterfly Effect, if you will.  And things happen for a reason.  It just takes a little bit of time to find out that reason.  Be patient.  Be open.

For, with every mistake we must surely be learning.

Don't Forget:

... to breathe.
... to think.
... to have fun.
... to stop over-thinking.
... to be true.
... to sleep.
... to be sassy.
... to remember.
... to be strong.
... yourself.
... who you want to be.

Overwhelmed

I am in awe at the world.  And in love.  And I want the world to know.

I'm not an idiot.  I know that life is not as simple as it seems and that hardships will come with time.  But so do friends and good days and dreams.  And you cannot dwell on the negatives, but instead look forward to the future or you will never make it out alive.  I remember the day that I wished upon a star and made the promise to myself to wish for the same thing every time - because that's what I truly want.  I don't want a big house, fancy cars, lots of expensive jewelry.... No.  Not if I can't have you.  And you make my dream come true.

Life will be busy.  Shit happens.  But the best part about that is you'll be there.  We will help each other.  Guide each other.  Encourage and support and advise.  Share our burdens and our successes.  We will be a team.  A great team.  And I am soooo excited!  I don't know how you make me feel this way, but you do.  And I am in constant amazement that I make you feel the same way, too.

To steal your words, "You are the light that guides my step into being the [woman] I want to be.  I love you more than you will ever know."

New blog [again]

I have officially created a new blog in honor of my current career entitled Retail In Review.  You should read it. :)

Is this crazy? Am I dreaming?

"Does he make you want to be the best person you can be?"

"We talk until we fall asleep.  We talk all night long."
"There's a peace between us.  Whether we're taking a walk, watching tv, eating dinner - we're at peace."

"I wanted to be with him even if he never had a penis, if we never had kids, if we never kissed - it didn't matter as long as I got to be with him."
"I wanted to spend my life with him."

"Always remember you're on the same team."  You're fighting for the same things.

"They want to bring out the best in you.  And you want to be the best for them."

Let's go swimming.

You know, I never thought I'd say this - but I want to go diving.  I want to stand at the top of the board, teetering on the edge of that piece of fiberglass and look down and not be able to see the bottom.  I want to feel the anxiety, the fear, the excitement, and the hope of what is to come.  But above all, I want to dive.

Just dive right in - no matter the circumstances.  I want to give it all up and just jump and feel the water encase my body inch by inch until I'm totally enveloped and I can't breathe.  I want to paddle through for a bit before I come up for air.

I don't ever want to leave.

_______________________________________________

My head protects me.  It weighs 8 pounds and a good portion of that is the thickness of my skull.  And right now my head is trying to protect me in more ways.  It's saying, "Hey!  Hey, you!  Yeah, you.  You don't know how to swim... So why in the world would you go DIVING?!"

I guess I forgot about that part.  You're right... I should wait.  'Til I at least learn how to swim.  That would be the responsible and mature thing to do.

But it's not as much fun.  And diving in head first feels so, so right.

My dream

I had a dream about you.  And she was running towards me.  She was so grown up.  It was dusk.  You weren't running, but you were holding your hair up.  And you were smiling.  And you were happy - so happy I could see it.  I remember hugging you and laughing and saying, "I missed you, too."  And how her hair flew in the cool ocean breeze.  How the sand felt on my feet with my suitcase being rolled behind me.  And how your cottage looked.  Everything so vividly.  And I slept in peace knowing you were there.

That's How You Know Today's A Good Day

The most amazing thing ever happened yesterday!!

I'm helping a "guest" in the checkout lane who is arguing over the price of a gazebo.  She wants it for almost $100 lower than the price listed and I say no.  So she yells at me, pushes the giant piece of lumber in a box into my face saying, "I'd catch that if I were you!!" and then storms off and out the door because our clearance price was not good enough for her... -typical response.
About 5 minutes later, she decides to come back inside in one great huff and sticks a finger in my face.
"I'm going to take a picture of that sign to show you how messed up your store is!"  She stomps off again.

Okay, at this point, I don't really care what she does.  She can even take a picture of my backside as long as she just goes away....  Not only do I have to find somewhere to put this 9ft top-heavy box sticking out of a cart and help everyone else in line, but I now have the lovely feeling of the impending doom awaiting whenever she decides to come back.

Finally, after sitting and twiddling my thumbs, biting my fingernail, and hopping up and down like a puppy when they know their favorite person ever is about to come home..... she appears.  She holds her finger above her head, wagging it furiously, and greets me with an, "I'm sorry."

I literally did a double-take! "Whaaa-?"

"I must have misinterpreted the sign.  I was in a hurry.  My mother sent me in last minute to get some things and you know how that is..."
I asked her if we could get the other one she's looking for, but apparently we're all out.
"I'm so sorry again.  Thanks for your help!  See ya later!"

She almost giggles in her own pride that she was able to be the bigger person about it and skips out of the store, probably forgetting exactly how angry she was with me not 15 minutes before when I thought her head was going to swivel around in its axis with glowing red eyes and shoot flames at me through her teeth.  Apparently now we're BFFs!  Look.... I made a new friend.

Welcome to Retail

I quite frequently read a blog about the food service industry by The Bitchy Waiter (a must-read, btw!) and it's HILARIOUS.  He talks about the work involved, the things you have to watch out for, and -of course- all the stupid people that come with the job...  Well, Bitchy Waiter, I relate to you.  I don't work in the food service industry (anymore...), but I do work in retail.  And man, there are some STUPID people out there!  This post is in honor of you:

When working in retail, you come across all sorts of annoying things -

• People who hand you lists and expects you to go shopping for them, regardless of what you were doing when they found you.
• People who allow their kids to throw balls, towels, frozen shrimp packages, popped popcorn, and marbles down the aisles until someone else complains.  In which case, they act as if they are surprised that their kid would ever do such a thing and then "reprimand" their child by saying, "Now Johnny..."
• Stolen condoms.
• People who put change on the counter instead of in your open hand right in front of their face.
• That one really annoying person who knocks something off the shelf, looks at it, and walks away.
• Stolen movies.
• The co-worker who's always SUPER excited to be at work to fold towels.
• Fake money.
• Children paying in nothing but pennies and its parent thinking it's so "darling!"
• Screaming children.
• Children who can't hold their bladder.
• Adults who can't hold their bladder.
• People who return things with a long story describing every detail about how the shirt wouldn't fit their overweight spouse.
• People who get in your line when you clearly just told them you're closed.
• Stolen CDs.
• Clothing items in the milk cooler.
• People who threaten to go to Wal-mart or Best Buy or Target..
• People who get in line and start unloading, only to go back for that "one last thing!" and hold up everyone else.
• Black Friday
• People on their cell phone when they're talking to you.
• People who yell my name off of my name tag from down the aisle as if they're my best buddy.
• People who walk in as we're closing to "just get something really quick!"
• That old guy who snaps his fingers at me to get my attention.
• People who touch me.
• People who don't understand tax...
• Fake IDs.
• The morning person that comes in every day right as we open and cleans the register out of cash.
• All the stuff left behind and returned at the end of the night that we have to stay later to put away.
• People who ask for rolls of coins.
• People who ask for advice and no matter how sophisticated it is, your answer will never be good enough.
• People who think they're better than you because you're "serving" them.

There are a lot of up-sides, too, though.

Like:

• Box knives.
• Free candy.

....Wait, there's got to be more than that, right?  Right?

How Dare You...

Why did you do that?  Why?  What made you think that you had any right to do something so drastic; to think of anything like that to begin with?  How could you?  No... How dare you?!
You doubted yourself.  You thought the worst.  You thought about giving everything up just because you didn't know what would come next.  Who cares?!  Man... Isn't that what life is about?  Is that not the definition of a risk?  And you are young.  Live like it.  Act your age for once and just live.
Trying something new is fun, exciting, and could - possibly - be life-changing.  But to settle for something just because?  No.  Don't you ever do that to me again.

You are worth so much more than that.  Why can't you see it?  And I swear if you pull anything like that again, I will be so disappointed in you... Not angry or frustrated or sad, but worse: let down.
You let me down, you know that?  I thought you were better than that.  I really did.  No, I take that back - I know you're better than that.  And it's about time you straightened yourself up and acted like it.

I mean it - Sit up.  Chin held parallel to the floor.  Eyes focused ahead of you (you better not let me catch you looking down!).  Shoulders back.  Breathe a giant breath in.  Hold it..... Now, release it out through your mouth.
You're beautiful.  You're young and youthful.  You're joyous.  You're everything anyone's ever wanted and more than anyone could ever expect.  You're smart and witty and kind and respectful and likable and your laugh can cure cancer.  You smile with your eyes and when you're happy, so is the world to those surrounding you.  You're contagious.  And you're mine.  And I could not be happier.  I love you so much.
Not because of the way you look or the sound of your voice or the way you move your hands or even the way you touch me that sends shivers down my spine.  It's so much deeper than that; it's because of your ipseity.  I've never met anyone who is quite like you.  You shine above the rest, as cliche as that sounds, and it's you that keeps me going, that keeps me up at night, or that keeps me occupied as my own personal screensaver throughout the day.  I love you.  All of you.  All of you.  Don't you ever do that to me again...

Half and Half

When you wake up and realize your alarm didn't go off (or you turned it off in your sleep) and now you're an hour late for work.

When someone is driving at the speed of smell in the left-hand lane and won't move over.

When you're walking down a hallway behind a large group of people and they suddenly decide to stop.

When the sink is full of dirty dishes.

When you hear, "Let's just be friends."

When you realize you need a day off.

When you drop (and break) your phone.

When all you've got to do is print off your final paper and your printer (or computer) breaks.

Event parking.

Paying for bottled water.

ATM fees.

Operating systems.

Numbers in place of letters (se7en, driv3r).

To-Do Lists.

Finding out your car windows were down after a hard rain.
_

When you find $20 in your winter coat from last year.

When you finally beat that one little flash game you've been punching buttons at for forever now.

When you find your keys (at last).

When someone lands on your hotel in monopoly.

When your friend saves you from a boring conversation at a party.

When you know you're speeding past a police car and you don't get a ticket.

String cheese.

All green lights.

Finding out you have a substitute teacher.

Summer - and all the lemonade, pool/grilling parties, beer specials, and clothing items that come with it.

Getting (real) mail.

Going to a long anticipated movie premiere.

Seeing your hometown license plate while being out of state.

Buying school supplies.

A first kiss.

Fairy Tale Endings

My family reunion was today.  When most people think of the phrase, "family reunion," they cringe.  Words like, "fighting," "gossiping," and "judging" come to mind.  But this was actually quite refreshing.  I got to see my new 2-month old cousin, my aunts and grandmother, and even my 87-year-old great grandmother who's still got quite the kick left in her.

And as I'm looking at the couples, I'm caught in a slight amusement at the musings of their relationships.  One of my aunts has been married almost longer than she's been single in her life and I couldn't help but wonder why...

What is it that makes that relationship, that marriage, so successful that they would do nothing more than want to be with each other?

"Maybe you're not the kind of girl to fall head-over-heels in love.  Maybe you're the kind who should marry her best friend."

We're taught to find true love, like in the fairy tales, like it's a needle in a haystack we have to sort through at some point before the end of our lives or we'll spend an eternity in a 2 bedroom, 2 story house with 15 cats all named, Bob, and those noisy little bratty neighbor kids that rake their sticks up and down your fence at night right when you're trying to go to bed 'cause you're old and can't stay awake past 3pm.  We're told about these amazing stories of love at first sight and people knowing the moment they saw each other they would live happily ever after.  But have you ever seen that happen?

How many times have you heard, "Don't ever get married!  Or if you do, be prepared for the ball and chain!" Marriages don't have to be like that.  People get married for all those wrong reasons and even though you would think we'd know how to pick the perfect one by now, we don't.  And with the percentage of Americans who end up divorced, I now have the rest of my life to figure out if all my decisions were the right ones or the wrong ones.
Man, they better be the right ones.... Because to be quite honest, I don't want to waste my time on someone who's not going to be the right one for me.

But whoever I pick, and whomever picks me, better be ready - 'cause I don't do well with spiders.

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Just Breathe

Breathing.  Panting.  Heart beating.  Harder.  Legs hurting.  Running.  Breathing.  Running.  Faster.  Jumping.  Leaping.  Running.  Panting.  Faster.  Leaves in your face.  Blurred.  Mossy trees.  Musky air.  Humid.  Chirping birds.  Paws pounding the ground.  Gaining.  Getting louder.  Getting quicker.  Stumbling over sticks.  Breathing.  Hands slapping at the branches.  Palms pulsing.  Eyes watering.  Running.  Toes bending.  Knees weakening.  Falling to the ground.  Rocks scraping skin.  Body tumbling down.  Silence.

Pain.  Creeping up the body.  Pushing up off the ground.  Head spinning.  Paws pounding.  Veins pumping.  Spinning.  Breathing.  Getting closer.  Run.  RUN.  Running.  Crying.  Screaming silently.  Gasping.  Jumping.

Stop.

Don't look.  Don't look.  Don't move.  Don't scream.  Don't look.  Maybe it will all go away.

Addiction

There once was a little boy
Who'd find joy when he'd destroy
The worlds of bugs and ants.
His destruction became obsession
And his morality in question
Upon the cause of his deception of his mother's plants.
This boy grew to be a man.
Time rolled on and he began
To realize what he'd done.
He'd integrated himself unto
The lives everyday of someone new
To find their weaknesses through and through 'til he'd had his fun.
But instead of a remorse
Fed their faults to them in force
To grow an appetite
For all the things that they desire.
Pushing, building their intake higher,
Not 'til they begged would he retire once they'd lost their fight.
Now he comes to you to flaunt
All the things he knew you'd want
To at one point pursue.
Listen to him, your eyes are clearer.
And as he pulls you even nearer
He suddenly looks in the mirror only to see you.

The Fish

Maybe it really isn't me.  Maybe it's them.  I always hated that line, "it's not you - it's me," 'cause it's a BLATANT lie.  At least if you're going to lie, make it a good one.
I'm not lonely.  I'm frustrated at myself for having certain thoughts and not being able to take them out of my head.  I'm emotional.  I'm woman.
It's funny how people change around other people.  One minute you're all smiles and so very talkative.  The next you're the wallflower and depressed.  Is it really that hard to be the same person all the time?
Are we so caught up in our own lives that we forget how we affect others?
There once was a bird.  But her wings broke.  It wasn't her fault - it was the tree that lashed out at her in the wind.  But she shouldn't have been in the tree.  So it really was her fault.  Until the mayor came to wash her away in one swoop.  She became sushi.  People ate her and they loved her and she didn't like it very much, but it's work so she's supposed to like it.  One day she'll be a bird again.... One day.  At least the happy ending is that she knows that one day will come.  I promised her it would.

Talk to me.

A man was walking by me at work today, but decided at the last minute to stop and just start talking.  Not about anything in particular, but just work and school and God and living pretty much paycheck to paycheck.  He was so intrigued about me and I don't know why.

It reminds me of the time a man followed me around Borders for half an hour.  He was creepy and no matter what section I was in, I couldn't lose him off my tail.  I decided to instead take a book and sit down in a crowded area where I would feel safe.  He walked up behind me, whispered in my ear, "136," and walked away.  The book I picked up was an IQ quiz book.  The number I got at the end was 136.

On a family vacation in New Mexico, my family walked into a rug and blanket shop.  The front of the shop had no windows and the only window on the door was covered by an oversized rug.  I stayed behind to look at the mountains and ended up going inside about 20 minutes later, following a different family.  Almost immediately a man walked up to me and pointed out my sister.  I confirmed.  He said that I play piano and violin - I did.  He said my sister will play soccer and that I will be famous.  Over ten years later, my sister Alex was born.  Once old enough, she enrolled in soccer.

People talk to me.  People tell me strange things.  I think I've become accustomed to it by now, but I still don't know what to make of it.  Should I believe in auras?  Or in fate?  I think that's a discussion for another day.

Random thoughts

Everyday has a possibility of a miracle.

I think I test myself in unnecessary ways.

Why do I consistently find myself wanting to be someone else?

Bucket List

Come up with (at least) 1000 items for this list.

Visit 25 nations (airport terminals don't count).

Visit all 50 states.

Visit Mount Rushmore

Walk on the Great Wall of China.

Helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon.

Go to a drive-in movie theater.

Design and program a video game.

Write and sell a book.

Make a website

Marry.

Send a message in a bottle.

Sleep a night in a snow fort I built.

Fly a kite.

Learn how to swim.

Swim across a large lake.

Flatten coins on a train track.

Lie in bed an entire day.

Eat a large, live insect.

Ride a mechanical bull.

Ride a rollercoaster.

Write a letter to the editor.

Grow and eat my own vegetables.

Sleep under the stars.

Have a meaningful conversation with a beggar.

Hit a home run.

Learn how to bat.

Adopt an accent for an entire day.

Take a long road trip with friends.

Sing karaoke enthusiastically.

Start a business.

Call or write my congressperson.

Have cosmetic surgery.

Fire a shotgun.

Be an egg donor.

Have my picture in a newspaper.

Kill and prepare an animal for eating.

Build my own PC.

Dye my hair nonsensically.

Live abroad.

Do 100 pushups in a row.

Write a letter of thanks for a good product or customer service.

Write a letter of complaint for a bad product or customer service.

Call a “How Am I Driving?” number.

Climb a tall tree all the way to the top.

See the Harlem Globetrotters play.

Put on and act in a stage performance.

See the northern lights.

Yell "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" in a crowded area.

Conquer a powerful addiction, 'cold turkey' style.

Learn to say the alphabet backwards really, really fast.

Meet someone I met on the Internet in real life.

Fast (intake nothing but water) for 72 hours.

Tutor a mentally challenged student.

Build a working piece of furniture.

Get professionally certified.

Converse with a parrot.

Learn a programming language.

Vote.

Have your clothes ripped off your body, like in the movies.

Actually comprehend my finances and taxes.

Host an outdoor barbeque.

Be on TV.

See an annular solar eclipse.

Make a once-in-a-lifetime basketball shot.

Provide the police with an anonymous tip.

Shower in the rain.

Visit an intentional community.

Hitchhike.

Be successfully self-employed.

Use another religious worldview for a whole day.

Practice meditation.

See a lunar eclipse

Attend Carnival in Brazil

Fly in a hot air balloon

Go on a safari

Swim with dolphins

Earn your degree

Get out of debt

Save about 6 months worth of expenses in case of emergencies

Max out your 401K

Honor your parents

Live with an animal its entire life

Get arrested for protesting something

Go wading in a public fountain

Have a child

Hop a ride in the back of a truck without asking

Pull off an April Fool’s joke that effects over 30 people

Steal a sign

Collect a complete set of U.S. quarters

Take a night course in something (French I)

Spend a whole day just watching DVDs

Order 3 Subway subs I haven’t tried

Go scuba diving

Go sledding

Go hang gliding

Chase a tornado

Bartend

Learn at least three different languages proficiently

Go parasailing

Ride a sky coaster

Worlds of Fun (Kansas City, MO) - 180ft

Sky Coaster (Orlando, FL) - 300ft

Go to Tokyo Disneyland

Eat sushi from a sushi bar

Own a house

Redecorate and organize my house

Eat crepes in Paris

Sit front row center

Stay in a 5-star hotel

Live off of room service for a while

Kiss under fireworks

Kill a zombie

Visit a grave

Visit the Harry Potter theme park

Visit the Great Barrier Reef

Go to Iceland

Build a time capsule

Visit the pyramids of Egypt

Meet someone famous (John Travolta)

Go fishing

Swim in the ocean

Learn how to belly dance

Learn salsa

Learn how to waltz

Learn how to swing dance

Shoot a bow and arrow

Shoot a handgun

See the Earth from space

Find that job you love

Learn to relax

Try all 31 flavors

Have grandchildren

Live by the beach

Live by the mountains

Live in the plains

Drop something off a cliff

Make my first million

Become a better cook

Learn everything about cars

Learn how to sail

Build a house

Volunteer to help someone you don’t know

Gamble in Las Vegas. And win.

Attend a wine tasting

Tell a taxi cab driver to, “Follow that car!”

Ride a gondola in Venice

Upload something onto YouTube

Fall in love

Fall out of love

Fall in love again

Take the subway

Study abroad

Teach English

Go on a road trip with no predetermined destination

Learn to play an instrument

Bake brownies

Achieve my ideal weight

Love my body

Dance like no one is watching

Cry out in happiness

Go on a cruise

Donate blood

Read a book in a day

Play chess

Eat pizza in Italy

Plant a tree

Go to a sports event

Adopt a pet

Let go of a grudge

Know what it’s like to be dirt poor

Experience what it’s like to be extremely rich

Go a month without the internet

Stay up all night just to watch the sun rise

Go camping

Sleep in a hammock

Go horseback riding

Go horseback riding on a beach

Write a will

Go on a honeymoon

Lick the bowl clean

Be an extra in a movie

Ride a motorcycle

Own a summer home

Play truth or dare

Have breakfast in bed

Make breakfast in bed for someone else

Research my family tree

Grow food in my backyard

Get a promotion

Watch the sun set

Ace a test

Take a dance class

Take a cooking class

Volunteer at a nursing home

Win a raffle

Attend a concert at Carnegie Hall

Learn sign language

Be financially independent

Overcome shyness

Live in New York City

Get honors in school

Learn to play the piano

Spend a night in a haunted house

Have something named after me

Learn to juggle

Befriend someone I don’t like

Throw a huge party and invite every one of my friends

Learn how to take a compliment

Accept myself

Make a hole-in-one

Get asked out by a stranger

Fly first class

Be in a food fight

Do yoga

Meet the U.S. President in person

Learn to ski

Board a train

Visit an all-inclusive spa

Watch an IMAX movie

See an active volcano

Take a course in self-defense

Buy a telescope

Go to a comedy club

Have a candlelit bath

Learn to use chopsticks

Crash a party

Have a yard sale

Have more than one job

Make ice cream from scratch

Follow a rainbow

Surprise someone with a visit

Go a month without junk food

Go a year without fast food

Watch a meteor shower

Wish upon a star

Take a walk in the rain

Get caught in the rain

Build a sand castle

Go clubbing

Give money to someone homeless

Do a favor for a stranger

Go vegan

Make new friends

Have a pen pal in another country

Take a bubble bath

Go to Niagara Falls

Ask someone to dance

Send flowers for no reason

Learn a magic trick

Have a picnic

Read a classical novel

Find a four-leaf clover

Learn to drive a stick

Ride in a limo

Go whale watching

Impact someone

Be a mentor

Do Tai Chi

Draw a picture of something and give it to someone at college, even if it’s just taping it on their door

Take lots of pictures

Make a scrapbook

Fill up a room with balloons

Give someone a box in a box in a box type of gift

Kiss someone just because

Tell someone the complete truth

Eat ice cream outside in winter (in Florida)

Treat someone to dinner

Try every flavor of Jones Soda

Send 1000 postcards into the world (postcrossing.com)

Receive 1000 postcards back (postcrossing.com)

Give a stranger a Christmas gift

Go up a down escalator

Go down an up escalator

Get my tarot cards read

Make a 3.5 GPA this semester

Take a homeless person to dinner

Talk to a stranger on a train

Grow a bonsai tree

Earn a 4.0 GPA

Keep a New Year’s resolution

Have a New Year’s kiss

Get so drunk I can’t remember the evening before

Get a passport

Workout consistently

Pet a tiger (two baby Siberians)

Hold a panda bear

Be in a friend’s wedding

See the Mona Lisa

Solve the Rubik’s Cube

See a play on Broadway (Off-Broadway: Beauty and the Beast)

Ride an elephant

Stay in an ice hotel

Read the Lord of the Rings

Straighten my teeth

Look good in a bikini

See an orchestra live in concert

Make wine by stomping on grapes

Take advantage of the whole bed

Learn how to change a tire

Hone a signature lingerie style

Plan a wedding

Start a pleasure ritual that a relationship status change can’t disturb

Set up a home in a way that fits my needs (coffee maker in the bathroom)

Throw a wild and crazy party

Eat what I want when I want

Get finances in order

Go to Las Vegas before marriage

Throw away all traces of past relationships

Get plastered and sleep as late as I want

Go on a weekend getaway alone

Buy my dream item

Enjoy life

Dance with a stranger

Learn to play golf

Have a fling with someone who doesn’t speak English

Earn my master’s degree

Get a Ph.D.

Have a library of movies

Travel somewhere alone with no intention of meeting someone else there

Figure out how the numbering system in this list is off and by how many numbers (just one - see #114) - not applicable on blogger.

Fix the numbering system - not applicable on blogger.

See my great grandchildren

Deface something

Punch someone in the face

Slap someone in the face

Own a pet rock

Send something around the world (to China) (to Brazil)

Tell someone off

Own the complete works of Leonardo DaVinci

Visit Walt Disney World

Visit Disneyland

Live in Walt Disney World (Aug. 2007-Jan. 2008)

Work at the #1 ride in Walt Disney World (Epcot: Soarin’)

Go out of state for a spring break

Ride a double-decker bus

See Casablanca

Lose 30 pounds

Test drive a really expensive car

Visit the Hofbräuhaus in Munich, Germany

Give up all collections except for one

Move in to my first house

Have a class and teach the elderly

I have a confession:

I strive for perfection. And it stresses me out beyond belief.

I hate complaining, but I do it all time time. And it lowers my self-value when I realize I'm doing it.

I have secrets no one knows about. I doubt many ever will.

I want to be exotic. Exotic = wanted. I want to be wanted.

I think about so many blog entries before actually sitting down to write one - and not even that one makes it to the screen.

I need 8hrs of sleep a night.

I used to be part goth in high school.

I love holidays, but I don't care for celebrating them.

I could cuddle with anyone, anywhere, anytime with or without the romantic involvement.

I don't know how to do basic math.

I want to be eternal.

I want to rent a puppy. And buy a kitten.

I want, more than anything in the world, to be a mother.

I'm incredibly lazy.

I don't like to lie. And I'm really good at it.

I'm broke.

I think the sexiest thing anyone can have is knowledge. Knowledge creates confidence. And that combined with a little aggression will make you dynamic.

I love being a female.

I'm always cold and I'm always hungry.

I wish upon stars. Almost everyday. Always the same wish.

I've never told anyone that wish.

Be Realistic

It never used to be like this. I used to have more friends than I could handle. I used to be thin, tall, pretty, sweet, joyful, smart, cute, innocent, bright, and lit up all the time. I want to get back to that.

Don't I?

Was I happy with life then? Or does it even matter? I'm not happy with life now, so this is what I have to change.

Okay, Jessica... think realistically. I am the still same height. I am still smart, bright, joyful. But I have lost my innocence. I am more vocal now - more opinionated. I have more energy, I think... or at least exert the energy in the right direction now.

But I'm not motivated anymore to do anything. I've lost some sort of spark, or 'spunk' rather as someone once said. I need to be strong and strong-willed and find people that want to be around me. I need to find that wit that I know I have in me. I need to be free and young and wise about my choices in life. I need to take chances. But most importantly, I need to be me.

Dreaming

Tonight I am flying.

I am floating up off the couch and out the door and down the street past the lamp on the left. I'm being whisked away above the houses and the phone lines and electrical towers. I see the moon shining down on me as if I'm the only one in the world with my own spotlight. I can reach my hand out and touch the stars. I hold them in my hand as they shake and shimmer ever so lightly.

Then, as a gust of wind swooshes me past Orion's belt and the horns of Taurus, I see something shining in the distance. And as it gets closer, it gets warmer. The glow is incredible and the heat is intense, but it's not sweltering. It's not hot at all on the outside even, it's just comforting. Inviting. And inside this glowing ball of light I see something that was made just for me. It's so relaxing and warm that I curl up into a ball and I fall asleep.

It's safe.

And as I sleep, I dream that tonight I am flying.

Songs are secret windows into the tendons that hold our souls together.

Hello. My name is Jessica and I love to watch movies.

I could watch movies all day, every day and never get tired of it. Old movies and new movies. Scary ones and sad ones. Inspirational ones, too. I love them all.

My favorite color is blue - but not just any shade. There's this point between blue and green where the line starts to fade and you get this wondrous mixture of cerulean with a tad bit more blue. Knock the brightness down a bit and there it is! It's so beautiful...

My mom used to sing Barry White to me when I was a child and I would fall asleep at the sound of his voice. Ever since, I have loved the sound of deep and intensive sounds like the cello. When my sister, Erica, was little, I would read to her before her nap times and she would just adore me. There's a picture of me (before I had glasses) in a pink sweater with her leaning on my shoulder while I read to her in bed around midday time. It's one of my favorite pictures in the world and I would jump into a burning house just to find it in order to prevent from losing it. That one picture holds so many memories.

I will never forget the sound a baby makes. Or how it feels when your heart aches and falls apart into a million scattered pieces when a baby takes your one finger in its hand. Ever.

No one believes me, but I named my baby sister: Alex. I told my mother I wanted a brother, but since she had no say in the matter, I'm calling it Alex either way. And so they named her Jade. But we all call her Alex...

Whenever I hear "Close to You," by the Carpenters, it reminds me of Erica. She would fall asleep to that song and would always ask mom to sing it. I loved to hear her sing it, too. Mom is so happy when she sings.

Alex used to fall asleep at the sound of my heartbeat. And to the Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris." Once her head hit my chest, she was OUT. It made me feel so special. She trusted me that much and she barely even knew me. She still calls me her best friend forever.

Mom says the song, "Ain't No Sunshine," by Bill Withers, reminds her of me. She also told me on my 22nd birthday last year that I was the most beautiful baby she's ever seen. I always think of "Over the Rainbow," by Kamakawiwo'ole when I think of her. And I will always think she deserves more than what she has.

I want to learn everything. About cars, about investments, about cultures. And I want to travel everywhere. I want people to respect me when I'm old and I want them to admire me for my full life.

I want to get other people's opinions on everything because I care about what everyone thinks so much.

I believe education is one of the most important things in the world. Along with slurpies. Both of which can cause world peace.

My cats are a part of my family. We get them gifts for Christmas.

I wish I could be there for Erica's prom.

I believe Tom Hanks is one of the greatest actors in the world. Ever seen Forest Gump, The Terminal, Polar Express, or Philadelphia? You should.

I would die for my friends and family in a heartbeat. I would so much rather suffer than to know that they are suffering.

The numbers 6 and 7 are magical.

Everyday that I am alive, I am truly thankful. It is a miracle I am even here right now, so I thank God over every minute detail. Life is quite spectacular.

Hello. My name is Jessica and I love to watch movies.

Liar.

We all know the difference between good and bad. Sometimes the line gets a little fuzzy, but it's still there. And, like that line, we know the difference between the truth and a lie.

But there are times when all we want to hear is the lie. "It's going to be okay..."
Or we purposefully tell a lie in order to hear the truth. "I look fat!" ... "No you don't! You look great!"

But what do you do when your friend asks you a question where you know the truth will hurt them, but the lie is bad for them?

What goes around comes around

...and around and around and around...

It's so hard to be nice to people. Have you ever noticed that? Not that it takes a lot, it just takes effort. Being mean doesn't take that much time or effort or much of anything really, but one must go out of their way to make sure that they are especially nice to that one other particular person. And lord knows, if you're not nice to them, it will surely come round and bite you in the butt later in life. You know... Like the nerd that grows up to be the CEO of the company that the football jock in high school wants to apply to?

I feel like I'm always waiting. Waiting for something that I can only hope will come. Something that I know is there, but I can't see it. I don't know when it will come. I don't know how and by what means. Hell, I don't even know what it is. I just hope I live long enough for it to happen. And that it happens to me.

Loneliness is not something anyone brags about. It's not what you take pictures of and show off at your next home video night. It's what you feel when you're walking down the street full of people you don't know. Or it's when you go your entire day without having a meaningful conversation with someone. It's when you come home and your friends don't talk to you. And it's what you feel when you're sitting on a couch at 1:30 in the morning, talking to your computer in the dark. It's what you feel when you're writing a blog about what it feels like.

And it sucks.